electric supernova

It’s difficult being ambitious when you don’t have the capability to do so

I’ve only been in school for two weeks, but I’m finding it rather difficult to adjust. It’s really hard not being in a class with my best friend, it’s weird not knowing whether your classmates are the kind you can tell stuff or the kind you have to be wary with.

The work is also a lot harder. In French, you just write down everything the teacher says which I think I’m not bad at, but I still get scared that I’ve missed stuff. The girl sitting next to me suggested that we exchange notes at some point, but I’ve know her for a few years and know she’s quite fake and just wants to profit from my notes. This sounds both extremely paranoid and arrogant, but that’s what some people here are like. I’m not saying my notes are fantastic, I just work my arse off and pay attention; I take stuff like that seriously.Despite this, when I put my hand up in class and participate, I make mistakes and whenever I make mistakes, I feel like the teacher thinks ‘Why on earth did they let her in this class?’ I don’t get why I still make so many mistakes. I’ve been to Paris to improve my French, I did what teachers tell students to do when they’re risking failing. I sacrificed two weeks of my holiday to improve and I sometimes feel as if there isn’t a difference.

I’m shitting myself that I’m not good enough in German to make it. Everyone else is really good at German and I just make so many mistakes. I’m scared my teacher -who I had a few years ago- knows how bad I am, which he does. I hate that, because I feel like he could form his opinion of me on my work from two years ago. I HAVE improved a bit since then but a part of me feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. I am ambitious, but sometimes you just don’t have the means to succeed.

English is great, though. Naturally, it’s easier than the other subjects, but I guess it’s just the way some classmates react to me now. Last year, it was always conversations like this:
‘Jeez, I don’t understand a thing you say when you talk.’

‘That’s funny, I make sure to articulate and not talk too fast.’

‘Yeah but still, I can’t understand you.’

And having that said to you about your own mothertongue, the language you’re the strongest at, the one you’ve been speaking all your life, does wonders for your self-esteem. It seems like last year people just wanted to belittle me, make me feel like shit. This year, several of my classmates have said to me ‘I love how you speak English, I wish I could speak like that!’. People saying that is uplifting and also really illustrates the difference between a literature/languages class and a normal one.